The American Guide to a British Kitchen

Baps, Tommy-K, and some rubbish

If I blindfolded an American and led them in to listen to some typical British dialog in the kitchen, I’m pretty sure they would conclude they were hearing a completely different language. More than any other category of objects, the British Kitchen is absolutely teeming with bizarre names, phrases, and pronunciations. So with this in mind, I’m happy to translate the oddities into American syntax and language for the benefit of all mankind.

Let’s start with the rolls.

Bread rolls are not rolls. They are baps. When you make burgers, don’t forget to buy the baps. You might also order a bap in a cafe, which is short-hand for a sandwich:

“Would you like a bap?”

“Yes, with bacon and tomato ketchup please.”

This is a very common bap combination - no cheese, no mayo, no lettuce, no tomatoes (except the ketchup kind, of course), just bacon. Except, what you get in the above-mentioned bap will actually not be bacon, but rather something that tastes more like a thick slice of ham, also known as back bacon. If you actually want real American bacon, you’ll need to request streaky bacon, and while you are at it, make sure you ask for extra crispy unless you like your bacon limp and half-cooked.

“Ketchup” is always modified as tomato ketchup, though I have yet to come across anything other than ketchup from tomatoes¹. (Oh, and don’t forget, it’s “toe-MAH-toes”, not “toe-MAY-doughs”.) If you want to impress your British friends, ask for your bacon bap with Tommy-K, slang for tomato ketchup.

The other kind of roll you need to understand is kitchen roll, AKA paper towels. Asking for paper towels anywhere will most definitely return blank stares, or a confused shrug towards the tea towels - which, incidentally, are dish towels and not made of paper. And while we are on kitchen roll, I’ll add a bonus bathroom (loo) term here: toilet roll.

Appliances

We know that everything is bigger in the States, but that is especially true when it comes to refrigerators, or in British terms, the fridge. Just fridge—never ever ever refrigerator. I still don’t know why.

So yes, the size of the typical fridge is roughly double the size of a dorm fridge or a hotel mini-bar. I mean, they do store their eggs in the cupboard, so I guess they figured they could cut some corners on the size. Navigating storage in a fridge requires the skills of a gifted Tetris player. Or Jenga. Probably both.

If you are lucky, the freezer might be separate, but it might also be a little insert at the top of the fridge which has its own little (and I mean little) door that opens to a tiny little frozen space that looks big enough to store a pair of shoes. Not that they put shoes in there. Or maybe they do given the size of the closets.

The stove and oven might be referred to alternatively as a cooker. You might also happen upon a grill as well, which is basically a broiler separated as its own compartment at the top of the oven.

And then there’s the kettle. Every kitchen has an electric kettle because, tea. Coffee makers are extremely rare, and if included, are the espresso-making kind. Instant coffee is big around here due to the preponderance of kettles.

When instructed to boil a kettle, you’ll have to resist the temptation to put the kettle in a big pot of boiling water. Just fill the kettle and turn it on.

Ice makers and garbage disposals = human hands. The mechanical ones don’t exist.

Measurements and recipes

Score one for the Brits—we’ve got this one all wrong in America. Sure, they deal in Celsius instead of Fahrenheit, but the rest of the system is genius. Put away your little cheat card reminding you there’s 3 teaspoons in a tablespoon, 2 cups in a pint, and 8 pints in a gallon (I had to look that last one up). Forget trying to keep your little measurement spoons in a neat, nested row on a ring, contorting your fingers to use the middle spoon without getting the others dirty at the same time. Toss out the need to sift your flour before measuring it out, lest you accidentally overpack the cup. And likewise, no need to pack in the brown sugar or peanut butter to eliminate air pockets, which then requires dirtying a spatula to get it all back out again.

You ready for this? All the measurements are done by weight. At first, this seemed very complicated, requiring a food scale to execute even the simplest of recipes. But hear me out, here’s how it goes:

1. Place mixing bowl on the digital scale and “zero out” the weight (press a little button that resets to zero, essentially taking into account the weight of the bowl).

2. Take first ingredient, let’s say 100 grams, and put it directly into the bowl until the scale reaches 100 grams.

3. Zero out the scale again, then put the next ingredient directly into the bowl until desired weight is reached.

And on you go, adding every little ingredient without soiling a single cup, bowl, spoon or spatula.

Breakfast

• Frosted Flakes are Frosties.

• Oatmeal is porridge.

• English muffins are crumpets.

• Pancakes don’t exist; but if you are offered a pancake, you’ll likely get a crepe.

• Because eggs are stored at room temperature in the UK, you should be prepared to spend an extra 20 minutes in the grocery store roaming the aisles for the eggs. There seems to be no consensus about where eggs should be stocked, so in one, they might be logically by the cereals, but in another, they are mysteriously in the candy aisle.

• A full English breakfast includes: eggs, bacon (the back-bacon kind, not streaky bacon), sausage, grilled tomatoes, Heinz baked beans from a tin, mushrooms, toast, and black pudding. I dare you to Google that one.

• Bubble and squeak is the “kitchen sink” of English breakfasts: delicious little fried patties of different (often leftover) vegetables.

The Other Meals

Lunch is lunch, but dinner might be alternatively called tea. There is also high tea, the afternoon tea with little finger sandwiches and scones, which is what Americans assume is tea time, but this is rarely exercised in real life.

For lunch, you might choose a simple bap. It is also very acceptable to have a salad. But if you are hoping for something exciting to dress your salad with, think again. First of all, and I can’t lament this too much, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS RANCH DRESSING HERE!!! Like literally, no one knows what that is. If you are lucky to come across it, I assure you it does not taste like real Ranch Dressing. Secondly, the grocery aisle for salad dressing looks very different than the American selection:

So few choices for salad dressing, so many bottles of Salad Cream (whatever that is!!)

For tea, you might pop down to your local pub where you’d be sure to find:

• Sausage in any or many forms:

  • Sausage roll - sausage encased in a flaky pastry (yes, another roll!)

  • Bangers and mash - basically sausages and mashed potatoes

  • Scotch egg - A soft boiled egg carefully wrapped in a layer of sausage, which is further coated in breadcrumbs and deep fried—a delicious little bundle of goodness

• Pies - not the sweet kind, but the savory ones like Steak and Kidney, Chicken and Leek, Vegan Mushroom—all of which are surprisingly delicious

At home, spag bol is likely to be in the rotation—you know, spaghetti bolognese. Or perhaps a simple meat, potatoes, and veggies combo, featuring a fillet (pronounced FILL-IT).

For the veggies, zucchini is courgette, eggplant is aubergine, cilantro is coriander, and herbs are herbs (prounounced HERBS - the H is alive and definitively not silent). Basil and oregano are BAA-zel and or-e-GONE-o. The emphases are important.

Cleaning up

After the meal, the pots and pans are washed in the sink with washing up liquid. The rubbish is placed in the bins (never garbage or trash or trash cans). Mercifully, the dishwashers are rightsized and capable of handling big, messy loads, but don’t forget to add the salt. I kid you not.

And finally, let’s put away the leftovers/play some tetris. Don’t forget to cover up the food with aluminium (AH-LOO-MINI-UM). Or failing that, some cling film. Just don’t expect to have a handy little cutting strip to help—that would be too easy.

Epilogue: Role Reversal

When my (British) partner visited the States with me, he politely requested—in his best American English—some surround wrap, Saran Wrap lost in translation! I’ve never let him live that down, but he’ll also never forgot me calling Scotch eggs “Scottish” eggs on our very first date. That’s the equivalent to someone calling Scotch tape “Scottish” tape. Not that they have Scotch tape here, that’s sellotape, and no, those don’t come with handy little cutting strips either.

1. To be fair to the Brits, there actually are other kinds of ketchup. Anyone fancy mushroom ketchup, or how about banana ketchup?